Give Yourself Something Priceless - Forgive Yourself

I don’t know about you but historically forgiveness has not come easily to me. When I’ve been told to forgive someone for something hurtful they did, or for a situation in which I felt really wronged, I might have nodded and agreed – because that seems like the polite response, but really in my head I was thinking – forgive? Are you kidding? I think I’d rather run the person over with my car.

I know. Not the healthiest response. Thankfully I think I’ve evolved a little since those days, and I’ve come to realize that I’d been looking at the idea of forgiveness all wrong. I used to think forgiveness meant letting someone or something “off the hook” for their bad behavior but I now see the value is more about forgiving me. (Again, if you’re like me you’re probably like “what?” Forgive me? What did I do? I was the one hurt!)

Here’s what I mean. It’s forgiving me for my role in the situation. It’s forgiving me for the choices I may have made that led to whatever happened. It’s forgiving me for continuing to carry around the pain from something that happened in the past. And finally, it’s forgiving me for the ways in which I may have reacted poorly or unintentionally gone on to hurt someone else because I was carrying around wounds from something that happened to me a long time ago.

Now I know it’s one thing to know intellectually that it would be best to forgive, but in reality, it’s often quite another thing to accept it. So, here are 3 ways to help mentally reframe it to make that mental shift.

The first thing is to recognize that life is really just all experiences.

The aim, I believe, is to learn and grow from them. When we’ve learned what we need to, we don't need to repeat the experience. We just take the lesson and leave the rest. So then, I’ve found that it’s critically important to remind ourselves that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. We’re older and more mature now. We need to stop beating our younger self up for things we couldn’t have known then! We have to let it go. Otherwise, it’ll keep us from our potential.  And, there are more important  places to put that precious energy. So, don’t give another drop of it to that person or situation for one more second. It’s too valuable and they don’t deserve it.

The second tool I use to mentally reset is this.

Did you know the etymology of the word “forgive” means to “give away”? It essentially means to “let go.” So that’s where I focus. I focus on the idea of giving it away. In this way, I view forgiveness as a gift to me. After all, carrying the pain from the past is just too draining.

And finally, one last way I like to think of it is like this.

Imagine you're driving your car down the highway, and you’ve got all this luggage strapped to the top of your car. The luggage represents all the pain and hurt and trauma you’ve experienced over the course of your life. All the stuff you think you’ve put behind you and that you’ve told yourself doesn’t affect you anymore. Because, you can’t see it as you look out the front window of your car. So, you think you’re good.

What you don’t see is how that stuff is creating a drag and slowing you down. You don’t notice how it’s making you less fuel-efficient. In essence, you don’t see how you’re carrying the past around with you now. Other people driving by might see all that stuff on top of your car and give you some weird side- eye. You know the look, like the one you get from people when you’ve been driving for miles with your blinker on but you haven’t changed lanes?! Yeah, that one.

Sometimes it takes a reaction from someone else for us to develop some awareness of the problem. I.e you’ve got all this baggage flapping around on the roof of your car. But then it’s up to you to decide that it’s time to pull over and reckon with it. That it’s time to summon the strength to untie the stuff, take a good hard look at each piece and then lay it down on the side of the road.  And drive away. Without looking in the rear-view mirror. You need to forgive. -  “Give it away”.

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We Don’t Rise To Our Potential, We Drop To What We Believe We Deserve.

You know, how we feel about ourselves and our worth drives everything in our lives. It determines what we believe about who we are and what we can and will become.  In fact, there’s a saying that in life we don’t rise to our potential, we drop to accept what we believe we deserve. 

I think there’s a lot of truth in that statement. We often don’t ascend to the level of our dreams, we stay stuck at  the level we think we deserve. As a result, we talk ourselves out of goals and dreams and aspirations or we give up too soon. And we tell ourselves that it’s fine. You may wonder, why on earth would we do that? Usually, it’s because there’s a story in our head about what we believe about ourselves and what we think we can have. Often, it’s a story that tells us we’re not enough and so we hold back, play small, and express only part of ourselves. 

But here’s the thing, anything (or anyone) that tells you you’re not deserving of the life you want, that you’re not enough - is a lie. You are more than enough just as you are. The challenge is that you need to start believing it. The good news is, if that’s what you want you’re in the right place.  

Changing this relationship with yourself requires a little reprogramming.

It starts by identifying the story in our head that's holding us back and then learning to replace  it with a new story that is truer, more supportive, and more empowering. Likely that story is based on something we were told, or we experienced a long time ago. Maybe when we were a small child. Chances are what we were told wasn’t something that was true for us, but the child inside of us accepted it as truth. The child inside us, hung onto that thought which over time became a belief and now, in its own way has become part of our identity. It’s defining us and limiting us.

Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about. It’s a story of a woman who loved music. It was her greatest passion. She always harbored a deep-seated desire to become a singer though she never chased after that dream because she said she didn’t think she had a good voice. She didn't pursue her passion and never sang in public. When asked how she came to feel this way about her singing ability, she relayed the story of being a small child, singing at home as she played with her toys. Her mother came into the room where she was singing and playing and snapped at her. Her mother shouted and told the girl to stop singing. She complained that she didn’t like the girl’s singing and that it hurt her ears. The child interpreted this harsh reaction to mean that she didn’t have a good voice and that that’s why her mother was upset. The girl wasn’t old enough to understand that maybe her mother’s reaction was due to some other stress that she was dealing with at the time and that her anger was misplaced. Nevertheless, she let this story take hold and it kept her from expressing this part of herself and feeling the sense of fulfillment she’d get from pursuing something that gives her so much joy.

All too often these stories we believe about ourselves are based on something we were told by a parent, a teacher, a coach, a minister, or some other person of influence in our young lives.

It was just a thought or a comment that came out of the mouth of some other imperfect person and over time it took root. We accepted it as truth when in fact it may not be true for us. But it was something handed to us as a truth before we were mature enough to decide for ourselves. And now, so many years later this false belief about who we are may be limiting us in ways we aren’t even aware. In turn we may be allowing it to shape who we become in the world.

So, is there a limiting story that shapes what you believe about you? Here’s a tell. That story inside you often starts with the words, “I can’t because...”

Here’s a truth: you CAN be or do anything. And you can re-write that story and create a newer, truer and more empowering one at any time. How ‘bout now?

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If you found this helpful please check out the other articles, tools and resources on this site. My mission is to help you to remove the fear and doubt and limitations that may be holding you back and help you unlock your personal power to create a life that is truer, more fulfilling and empowering for you.

The Lie: Going With What You Know Will Keep You Safe

Recently while watching the news, I saw a story about a woman in Oklahoma whose house had been destroyed by a devastating tornado. Shockingly, it turns out that this wasn’t the first time her house had been wiped out by a tornado. A few years earlier the same thing happened and when it did, she chose to rebuild on the same spot. So, the reporter asked the woman, what would she do this time? Would she rebuild again? “Yes of course”, she said. “It’s what I know.”

Now an observer like you or I might wonder why this woman would choose to rebuild her house again in this same location when there’s plenty of evidence to show that it’s a dangerous spot and the house might be leveled again causing her even more suffering and maybe loss of life! But to her, it doesn’t seem like a choice. It’s what she knows.

The truth is this, everything in life is a choice.

Even breathing is a choice. We’re making choices every minute of the day. It’s just that we don’t realize it. It’s amazing to me how frequently in our own lives we make unconscious choices like this woman made and we write it off to “it’s what I know” or “it’s who I am”, as though it’s something we must do. But the reality is, this is just a limiting belief. It’s not true, we’ve just accepted it as truth.

You know, the funny thing about we humans is this. We’re biologically wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain in our lives. So, when we make an unconscious decision, like this woman likely did, we naturally drift to things that are comfortable or familiar to us. Because that feels more pleasurable than something new and unfamiliar. Most people think something new and unfamiliar sounds uncomfortable, so they instinctively want to avoid that. But the irony, as this story of the Oklahoma woman illustrates, is that the sameness of sticking with “what we know” may feel comforting and familiar (which we equate with safety), but in truth it may be creating more suffering in our lives, we just don’t realize it.

And this paradox doesn’t just exist in dramatic situations like this story of the Oklahoma woman. It also happens in our day-to-day lives. For instance, it happens to the people who continually find themselves in one toxic relationship after another. It happens to people who repeatedly find themselves stuck in the same kinds of dead-end jobs. It happens to people who accept unhealthy lifestyle choices as “fine. I’m just having fun” even when they see it’s hurting their health. And the list goes on. What all these stories have in common is that we often unconsciously drift towards and make choices based on something comfortable or familiar to us without being fully aware of the ways in which we’re choosing to repeat an unhealthy pattern which might actually be creating more pain or suffering in our lives. – Crazy, right?

There is good news though. We can fix that. Remember, we control our choices. We may not always love our options, but they’re still our choices. So, we‘re capable of choosing again.

If you really want to change something in your own life there are two things you can do to improve your circumstances right now!

First, start to pay attention to the choices you’re making throughout your day and the ways in which you may be making unconscious choices that are causing you to repeat unhelpful behaviors.

An example might be when we somewhat automatically pour ourselves a glass of wine at the end of the day as a way to unwind and de-stress, when that unconscious choice might in turn lead to unhealthy food choices, poor sleep and lower productivity the next day.

The second thing you can do to make a change is to commit to being more intentional about taking a step in a different direction.

To do that, we must replace an unconscious or automatic choice with a more intentional, healthier choice. Again, using the example of the end of day glass of wine, a new intentional behavior might be to go for a walk in your neighborhood to de-stress and unwind. Or have a glass of sparkling water or a cup of tea or other non-alcoholic drink that feels enjoyable to you instead of alcohol.

You see, most of the time making big improvements in our lives just comes down to developing an awareness of all the little ways we’re holding ourselves back and then taking intentional steps in a new direction.

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If you found this helpful be sure to check out the other articles and resources throughout the site. My mission is to help you make the mental shift you need to release old beliefs, habits and doubt and create a new, truer, more empowering life on your terms.